Look who’s back. Back again. While “officially,” I am no longer the head cheese at Disney, I felt it was necessary to return in order to make one final splash. A man’s legacy is such an important part of his life...and death. I could have rested on my laurels of rescuing Disney from bankruptcy, creating Mickey Mouse, and pushing out the third Mighty Ducks film...But that is not my style. I wanted to do something bigger, better, and more f-n incredible than any corporate mind in the history of business. And as is my style, I succeeded in just that. Under the watch of the new guys, I noticed the studio was wasting literally thousands of dollars on licensing Baha Men’s “Who Let the Dogs Out” for dozens of Disney films and other properties. How Iger and his buddy Jobs let this happen is beyond me. It was obvious that this was a major misappropriation of cash and the shareholders’ good will. I mean why rent when you can own!? That’s right, idiots. While everyone else was sleeping, I, Michael Eisner, bought the entire Baha Men catalogue for a cold $7,000,000,000 (USD) from a Rasta living in a van down near Miami Beach. Now when somebody wants to play “Who Let the Dogs Out,” they have to PAY US!!! My greatest feat accomplished, I can finally ride off into the sunset knowing that House of Mouse’s financial future is secure for evermore...And enjoy The Shaggy Dog that much more knowing I saved their asses once again.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006