Mere hours from Super Bowl XL kickoff, I have been informed by my sources that Matt Hasselbeck has indeed aggravated his strained uterus and will be playing in extreme pain. Apparently, Matt overdid it on his Ab Chair XL last night at the hotel. While some of my sources dispute the fact that Hasselbeck even has a uterus, the majority assure me that Hasselbeck acquired said uterus in Mexico with part of his signing bonus during mini-camps.
In regard to rumors circulating the Web that Seahawks owner Paul Allen played the Emperor in the Star Wars movies, a source close to the situation assures me that this is bullcrap. “Are you (expletive) kidding me!? That guy has way better teeth than Paul Allen,” he, she, or it explained.
Mike Holmgren has undoubtedly mastered the West Coast offense, but are we giving him to much credit? A league insider reports that Holmgren’s perceived genius may literally be Bill Walsh. “The dude ate Bill Walsh. What more can I say,” he, she, or it revealed. I wonder if I ate the entire staff at Pro Football Talk if more people would read my Tip Sheet...hmmmmmm.
As for my prediction for the Big Game, Steelers 79, Seahawks 4. The officials will spot Seattle the 4 points Vegas gave them out of pity, mercy, or the large bribes that Paul Allen has on the table. Enjoy the game.
Len Pasquarelli is gainfully employed at ESPN and unwelcome at Hometown Buffets globally.
Sunday, February 5, 2006
