Shucks. Can’t believe all the hooting and hollering about my retirement package from Exxon. It’s a small consolation prize for all I did for my company. People are wondering, “How did that boy genius raise Exxon’s stock price 500%?” Well, my friends, all it took was a brilliant plan and good old fashioned elbow grease. I knew that increased demand for oil would make us all in the industry a whole lot more wealthy. It’s a very complicated economic principle that I’m sure that you people wouldn’t understand, but it really does work. My first step in increasing this global demand for our product was transforming China into an industrial superpower. This took many late nights and weekends at the office, but I think everyone can agree that this was a solid contribution on my part. For profits to truly shoot to the moon, however, some of the perceived supply of oil needed to take a trip down the crapper. How I achieved this goal was twofold. 1. I instigated a dramatic increase in international terrorism by Arab/Muslims. 9/11 took more conference calls and Blackberryin’ than you can imagine. That Osama sure can drive a hard bargain!!! 2. Hurricane Katrina. That big old storm was a doozy of a project. Thanks to all the rogue Russian scientists and TV weathermen and women who helped me make it happen. So, in conclusion, the three tiers to a successful business model are Industrial Nation Building, Global Terrorism and Natural Disasters. Hopefully. all you other Fortune 500 CEOs can learn a little something from my journey and use it to earn your own passages in the history books. Well, I better get back looking for a part-time job. Not sure I can make it on Social Security and my meager pittance of a pension alone.
We’re All In This Together,
Lee Raymond
A 4 Million Dollar toilet!? Darnit. I only can only buy 100 of those boogers with my pension. =(
Monday, April 17, 2006
