Recently I was made aware of an old lady’s fight with PSAS. At first I thought “An old lady is fighting those lame anti-smoking ads? Good for her.” But it turns out PSAS can mean something more than “Public Service Announcements”; it can also mean “Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome.” Jean Lund and other PSAS sufferers can have up to 588 orgasms in a day. As awesome as that sounds, these poor ladies actually experience a great deal of pain and discomfort as a result of all this stimulation...Stimulation that regrettably I, Rob Schneider, am solely reponsible for. See the common factor in all PSAS cases is prolonged exposure to my movies and/or images of me. I feel horrible about this. Particularly dear Jean Lund, who I have affected in such a direct way...as her neighbor. A few weeks ago I started doing Terrell Owens’s “I Love Me Some Me” home workout DVD. Part of T.O.’s fitness regiment is doing sit-ups, curls and crunches in one’s driveway...shirtless (T.O. says this increases the flow of oxygen to the muscles). Little did I know that across the street, Mrs. Lund was beholding the Robster in all my bare-chested glory. Contrary to what Cosmo may say, looks cannot kill. But looks...especially wicked good ones, can hurt, and for this I am truly sorry.
Regrettably Handsome,
Rob
Monday, May 8, 2006
