People often approach me and say, “Mike, you’ve got everything. Nice pad in Manhattan, loads of cash, famous friends, and all the Kentucky Fried Chicken a man can eat.” Which is all true...yet there is still something lacking in my life...That something is DIGNITY. I, like millions of other grossly-obese Americans, am entitled to your love, respect, and undying affection. Nevertheless, my days are filled as the butt of “fat” jokes and my nights are drowned in the tears I shed as I stuff my face with Ho-Hos. America’s hatred of Big Beautiful People has become all the more evident with recent showings of American Idol. Simon actually had the nerve to suggest that a “bigger stage” was needed for a female contestant carrying a few extra pounds. I think it’s time the hatred and bigotry stop. In fact the only thing I can imagine worse in human history than America’s treatment of her heavyweight children is George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Hitler, Stalin, and Oscar the Grouch riding together in a gas-guzzling SUV...to a gun show. Or Watergate, of course. You’re probably wondering if there is something you can do about all these skinny pukes who make our lives a living hell. Well, yes there is, brothers & sisters, yes there is. My friends at NAAFA (National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance) have taught me that there is no need to feel helpless, self-loathing, or do something crazy like get into shape. No. Not when we can whine and cry like little pussies about how bad we have it! After all, Canada doesn’t humiliate the obese on American Idol so why should we have to put up with it here in the All-Wonderful, Super-Powerful United States!? Fight the power, move-on, and we shall overcome, my plus-sized brethren, WE SHALL OVERCOME.
P.S. In this wave of fat pride, I would like to introduce the world to my and Star Jones’s love child, Scooter Dukakis Moore III. (below)
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
